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BLOG FORMERLY KNOWN AS: I HAD A MIND ONCE

Friday, December 6, 2013

The Winner of the 2nd Annual Never Announced I Had a Boob Once contest! (and a hair update)


I know what you're saying.
What contest?
I apologize that I never announced this one. I planned to have a 2nd annual contest. I've had this book The Stench of Honolulu by Jack Handey of Saturday Night Live  fame sitting on my desk for months. Remember his "Deep Thoughts" series? Here's one I live by:

"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

(BTW, this is where you can just skip to the hair update if you're really not interested in anything else I have to say)

My friend Martha (the very same Martha who bought me the Anchorman DVD I gave as a prize in the first annual I Had a Boob Once contest because I already owned it) gifted me this book after I'd already bought it on my Kindle. And here was the crazy thing, folks: she bought it on the very same day that I bought it on my kindle! Wowee, right? 
And when Amazon sent it to me, they sent it without a gift card, which could be Amazon's fault or it could be Martha's ...I'm just sayin Martha. So when I got it, I was very confused. I called Amazon and they were of no help. Together,the dumb person at Amazon and I surmised that Amazon had accidentally sent me the book twice, once virtually and once hard copy, so I should send the hard copy back.
Fortunately, I am a lazy person and the book continued to sit on my desk for a couple of weeks until I actually talked with Martha and she asked, "Did you ever get the Jack Handey book I sent you?" and then we laughed until we cried and it was the best moment I'd had since the  Star Wars original release in 1977 (there's no fact checker here so don't get on my case about the date).

So, I finally decided to have contest #2 to give away this gripping adventure tale for the ages, which includes prose passages that make you go hmmm, such as this one:


I pretended to be perfectly relaxed and even interested in what Doctor Ponzari was saying. Then I threw my drink in his face. He screamed in pain as I ran to the door. It was locked. Desperately I fumbled at the latch, until finally I got it open. "This is the stupidest party I've ever been to!" I shouted as I ran out into the night. 

But then, instead of having an actual contest because as I stated earlier I'm lazy, I decided to just give this book away to my my friend and loyal commenter, Kevin!!!!! 

I decided Kevin deserved this honor: a) because he commented on every post I wrote through my treatment AND always made me laugh (if you haven't read his comments I urge you to go back and read every one of them right now because they are better than my blogs and I know you are looking for something to do), and b) his mind works similar to that of Jack Handey with a little bit of Lucille Ball or Liza Minelli rolled in...take your pick.

So let's all congratulate and celebrate Kevin today!! Here he is in action when I met him back in the eighties. Go Kevin!


If you have any special words you'd like to share with him, please put them in the comments.


And now, finally, what you've really been waiting for: a hair update (did I mention that this whole hair growing back thing is very awkward?) Now i'm entering the heat miser phase:








7 comments:

  1. Congratulations Kevin - I hope you met Amy when she had that really big hair and shoulder pads to match. xoxo

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  2. I wonder whatever happened to that horse? Congrats, Kevin! Hopefully we will read us some passages from the book at our next get-together. Assuming Amy remembers to bring it ...

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  3. Hair! And a funny post. Thanks for making my 1:30 so fun. :)

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  4. You are amazing Amy--so funny! Didn't quite see that side of you in VT and writing...you are also courageous and filled with grace. Thank you.

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  5. Kevin, are you single? Are you willing to relocate to AZ? Save me, I'm so bored here.
    Amy- #Buddahonwithyourbadassself #FUcancer #lovetheblog

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  6. Congrats on this singular honor, Kevin! Much deserved!

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  7. EXT. MASSACHUSETTS NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING

    Kevin stands at a makeshift podium that he has erected on his front lawn. He holds the book he won in his hands.

    Kevin:
    This is amazing. I just . . . I never actually thought I was going to win.

    (beat)

    I don't even really have any remarks prepared.

    He waves to his next-door neighbor Ben, who has come out of his house to scrape ice off of the windshield of his car. Confused, Ben give a half-hearted wave back.

    Kevin:
    You know, a lot of people will tell you that writing is an individual endeavor . . . [Shakes head] I'm not one of them.

    He holds for dramatic effect as Ben begins scraping.

    Kevin:
    Sure, I type up and post my comments. But I ask you, would they be half as good without the contributions of the people that I plagiarize them from?

    He holds for even more dramatic effect. The pause is punctuated by a burst of profanity that Ben issues to the stubborn ice on his windshield.

    Kevin:
    Maybe. I am a really good typist and a non-posted comment is, basically, nothing more than scribbled words that no one will ever read.

    Ben (off-screen):
    What are you doing?

    Kevin:
    . . . Excuse me?

    Ben stops scraping his windshield. Slightly winded, he repeats his question.

    Ben:
    What are you doing?

    Kevin:
    I'll be answering all questions at the post acceptance press conference Ben.

    (beat)

    Ben (really confused):
    At the what?

    Visibly annoyed, Kevin leans into the un-connected microphone that he borrowed from his daughter's One Direction karaoki machine.

    Kevin:
    Can we get someone from security up here?

    Kevin and Ben stand in silence. A dog being walked on the sidewalk stops and begins to pee on Kevin's lawn. The dog's owner takes in the scene before her with a disinterested look.

    Kevin's wife exits their home, a Casio keyboard in her hands. She approaches Kevin as she begins to play a soft classic piece of music.

    Kevin (noticing the music):
    Oh, wait, wait . . . there are so many other people I want to thank.

    Kevin's wife stands next to him and turns up the volume of the keyboard to its highest level.

    Kevin (regretfully):
    . . . I guess that's . . . [Holds the book aloft] Thank you again. Thank you.

    Waving to no one in particular, Kevin steps away from the podium and goes back inside his house.

    Kevin's wife turns off the keyboard.

    Ben:
    Is he okay?

    Kevin's wife shakes her head sadly. She grabs the microphone and goes back inside.

    The woman with the dog walks on. Ben returns to scraping at the ice.

    END SCENE

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